Breaking News: Independence Day is Now the Third of July Instead

Happy Third of July, everyone! Elected officials have signed and passed a bill, changing independence day to be today, the third of July. "We asked several individuals who launch fireworks on the third of July, and it was unanimous; we should rewrite history and make our day of independence the third of July because it's … Continue reading Breaking News: Independence Day is Now the Third of July Instead

ShamRag Study: We Located the Drunk College Girl’s Babysitter

A day or so ago, we did a news story about a girl who consistently plans on getting too drunk, knowing she will regurgitate or defecate herself and needs a babysitter for each escapade. Additionally, we asked about the worst she has ever been while drunk and she claims she could hardly remember the babysitter … Continue reading ShamRag Study: We Located the Drunk College Girl’s Babysitter

Breaking News: Teenager Mocks ‘Dad Fashion;’ Wears Socks With Sandals Shamelessly

A proverbial millennial was caught openly mocking a middle-aged Minnesota gentleman about his socks and velcro sandals while simultaneously wearing his own. "Look at this fool," the millennial proclaimed, "lookin' all Hank Hill up in here." The middle-aged gentleman was wearing white socks with dark sandals. Our news team confronted the millennial, after observing that … Continue reading Breaking News: Teenager Mocks ‘Dad Fashion;’ Wears Socks With Sandals Shamelessly

Weatherman Fucks Up Outdoor Wedding Weekend Accidentally; Entices Riot

The father of an Illinois bride collects what remains of his daughter's tattered wedding decor while cursing to himself Sunday morning about a botched weather report that resulted in a backyard wedding riot. "Such bullshit... it's all... fucked..." the father grumbles to our reporter, "this was supposed to be wonderful, but our local weatherman fucked … Continue reading Weatherman Fucks Up Outdoor Wedding Weekend Accidentally; Entices Riot