“I’d rather yak than get the beer shits,” a college girl explains to us, “the beer shits are the worst, especially if I wake up next to a random guy and have to think of a way to mask the sound and smell.”
This said college girl explained to the ShamRag News Team that she actually plans on getting drunk, reassuring us that it ‘doesn’t just happen; it’s premeditated.’
“Yeah… I mean, it’s pretty easy to plan on getting drunk. Just arrange a ride, find a babysitter, and drink an entire bottle of anything you can get your hands on,” she explains.
The ‘babysitter’ she is referring to is an unlucky person, usually a male figure, that will be responsible for her actions at all costs. On rare occasions, this individual can be a last minute intercourse partner, given the right circumstances.
“I mean yeah… if the babysitter is cute, I’ll hook up with him. But usually you wanna pick someone you wouldn’t fuck, because odds are they will be wiping your hurl off your face and holding your hair for round two… not a good look.”
Our news team asked her, if she knows she’s going to barf, why would she plan on getting irrevocably inebriated.
“I’m… not… sure… what… those… words… mean… but… I mean, I don’t know… getting drunk is fun. I mean, like… if there was a way to get drunk and not have a hangover, I’d probably be rich.”
To conclude, we proceeded to ask her to elaborate on the drunkest she has ever been.
“Oh man… in the summer of 2015 I was a freshman, and I had just figured out the concept behind getting a babysitter for the night. So this was the first time I had one, and it felt like utter freedom. I could put all responsibility for my actions on someone else! I literally drank so much, I had to get my stomach pumped the night of and the next morning, as if throwing up and shitting my pants didn’t clean me out enough…”
When asked how the babysitter helped, she could not recall.
“I can’t even remember his face… but someone told me I threw up in it, so that may be why. After I shit my pants, he apparently tried to change me, but I apparently kicked him in the teeth by accident… so… yeah, I don’t remember any of this.”
We were able to get in contact with the babysitter, thanks to our research team, and we will bring you the story soon.