A day or so ago, we did a news story about a girl who consistently plans on getting too drunk, knowing she will regurgitate or defecate herself and needs a babysitter for each escapade.
Additionally, we asked about the worst she has ever been while drunk and she claims she could hardly remember the babysitter she had take care of her that night.
Through extensive work, our ShamRag Research Team has finally found him.
“First of all, my name is Billy,” the babysitter stammers, “she has walked around telling everyone this story and doesn’t remember me, which pisses me off, because she thinks it’s funny or something.”
Without having to even ask the question, Billy began the incredible yarn.
“Prior to Uber and Lyft, I was actually posting on Craig’s List to try and earn extra money giving bargoers rides during college. I was like 20 because I couldn’t go into the bars, so I just decided to drive people. It was going fine, until I met… her.”
For the protection of the drunk college co-ed, we will refrain from using her name. Instead, we used a random word generator to find a substitute.
“I picked [Scrotum] up, and she was already hammered. Actually, her friends carried her down to my car, as she was out cold. I resisted taking her anywhere at first, but they had a ton of cash. We’re talking like four hundred dollars, and they just handed it over, so I felt responsible.”
He goes on to explain the drive over to the location, which Billy was not entirely sure was where she wanted to be, was pretty mild. However, he did not know what her plan was anyways, so he stopped at the venue and waited.
“I drove [Scrotum] to Come, a gay and lesbian bar, because her friends told me to do so, so I did,” Billy begins, “I didn’t know anything about her, so I figured she may be a lesbian. I planned on waiting until she woke up when disaster struck.”
[Scrotum] shot up and projectile vomited on Billy’s dashboard, covering the windshield in what appeared to be two weeks worth of breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
“Just covered my fucking car in puke. And you know what? She fell the fuck back to sleep after! At this point, I was going to just drop her on the sidewalk and leave, but for some reason, I felt responsible.”
Billy proceeded to open her door and use a stack of Subway napkins to wipe the vomit from his dashboard, but there was so much that he had to merely sop it up with bare hands.
“So with my puke-saturated hands, I shook [Scrotum] awake. To my surprise, she woke up and was rather lucid, confirming that she was sorry about the ‘thing’… her vomiting on my dashboard… and also confirming that we were at the right bar where her friends could take it from here.”
Unfortunately for Billy, things only got worse.
“Once I got her standing, she began to cry. Mumbling about how her friends weren’t coming and how they were trying to set her up with me and she ruined it.”
But the worst was yet to come.
“I decided to take her back home, but as I’m guiding her to my car, I hear a ‘plop’ and the crowd goes nuts. She shit her fucking pants, right then and there!”
Billy explains that as a stream of liquid feces spilled from her like a burst pipe, she continued into his car.
“I tried to stop her, but she did it. She hopped right in and continued to shit in my front seat. It was bubbling out from beneath her like an oil spill of shit. Now I had two types of bodily fluids in my car.”
Figuring the nightmare was over, Billy quick hopped in and took off.
“I sped out of there like a bat outta hell, thinking I could dump her back home and still salvage the integrity of my car,” he explains, “but what happened next was the icing on the crap cake… literally.”
As they approached her humble abode, [Scrotum] proceeded to tuck and roll out of the vehicle.
“I forgot to buckle her, so she took the liberty to crank open the passenger door and just jump the fuck out, bouncing off the sidewalk like a damn shit-stained Hoppity-Hop.”
Billy slammed on the breaks and sprung into action, throwing on his hazard lights and dashing to her aid.
“We were almost home free,” he starts, “the half-hour from hell was almost over. She was out cold… we were feet from her stoop.”
Finally, the grand finale.
“She came to with a look of sheer panic in her eyes as I limped her up the front stairs. Before I could utter a word, she pushed away and cold-cocked me in the face, tumbling over herself, and knocking both of us to the sidewalk below.”
[Scrotum] landed atop Billy, and finished with a technicolor yawn to his face as her roommate opened the front door.
“I was covered in puke. It’s like she didn’t realize a person was below her. She let loose on my face, and I could do nothing but lay there and take it,” he sulks, “I just shut my mouth, shut my eyes, and accepted my fate.”
Her roommate, hardly hustling, approached the scene, scraped her off Billy, and dragged her inside. No tip, no thank you; gone like a fart in the wind.
“I picked myself up, wandered to my filthy car, grabbed my iPhone, logged onto Craig’s List, deleted my ad, and wept. There was nothing left to do at that point but weep. At least some of the tears rinsed the puke off my face.”
To verify our research, we sent the story to [Scrotum], but she was unavailable for further comment. A local source claims she received our story and thought it was ‘amaze-balls.’