Breaking News: Independence Day is Now the Third of July Instead

Happy Third of July, everyone!

Elected officials have signed and passed a bill, changing independence day to be today, the third of July.

“We asked several individuals who launch fireworks on the third of July, and it was unanimous; we should rewrite history and make our day of independence the third of July because it’s easier to blow off fireworks on an ‘off-day,’ an older, evidently disapproving elected official said Sunday.

“I mean why not? People care more about fireworks and parades than the true meaning anyways,” stated a female elected official, “plus, don’t even get me started on the sales. There’s sales before the fourth, after the fourth, but none take place on the fourth because a lot of places close for the holiday. If we make it the third instead, places will be open.”

Our news team asked how the government plans on changing history that took place eons ago, and the elected officials responded with a simple answer.

“The Internet. Nobody cares about history anymore since the dawning of the Internet. People hack and change information. People are offended by everything historical. The Internet can fix that, because everything on it is true. So if we go into the mainframe of the entire Internet and simply switch the day, they will be none the wiser.”

When asked how changing the date of a holiday will change whether stores will be open or not, as this was a pertinent issue in the matter, the elected officials were left speechless.

“I don’t know… I guess I didn’t really think about that,” the female elected official stutters, “Maybe we’re hoping the stores don’t notice the change and remain closed on the fourth? Maybe they get so confused they just stay open all the time? I don’t know how stores work… who cares?”

The change is supposed to go into effect as soon as today.

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